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ELELE Child Young and Adult Counseling Center Psychologist and Special Education Specialist Bihter Gencer continues to series. This week after the concept of punishment, the concept of reward is shared with you from a different perspective.
A reward? Bribery? Praise?
San If you're pretty, I'll give you cookies ”(Bribery)
En If you clean your room I will get you a CD cd (Bribery)
“If all of your grades are 5 in your report card, I will give you 100 lira” (Bribery)
So let's look at the following discourses:
“You can play games if you eat your food oyun - play games what the child has the most natural right-what has to do with food?
In You've pissed, great applause !! ”, in You're done eating supper” - why would the child's most natural need be super?
“My smartest son built a tower of cubes” - something that all children can do when the time comes zaten.
Then there are some points to consider when rewarding our child:
** Bribery and financial reward cannot prepare the child for real life. If the child is accustomed to receiving rewards against his / her behavior, he / she cannot experience the feeling of having accomplished a job, that is, internal competence. When there is no reward, there is no point in performing the behavior for the child.
** We say we should use praise instead of financial reward, but there are some points we should pay attention to. Praise can create suspicion if it is not directly proportional to the behavior. For example, like the child who is the smartest because he built the tower çocuk The child immediately understands that praise is not sincere and feels uncomfortable about it.
** The child, who has always been praised for “very good”, may feel compelled to be good; so it can cause concern.
** Appreciation can be an addiction to request approval. He can develop a personality that always pleases someone else, not because he is happy.
** Excessive praise may cause the child not to understand his real capacity.
** A past failure should not be reminded when making a praise. Like, “You finally gathered your room” or “You finally fucked this cheesy”.
Of course we will praise our child as well done, bravo, you are very good, but the dose of these discourses is very important. We can also praise you in other ways:
1. We can describe the situation we see - by praising our facial expression. For example, instead of “Your picture has been very beautiful” “hmm you have drawn a circle here, there is a line here, what's going on here böyle”
2. We can summarize the situation in a few words - perhaps by praising our tone. For example, instead of toplam You've gathered your room well “yok there are no toys on the floor and the books have been removed from the shelves, it's a pleasure to enter this room!”
3. We can talk about the emotions we feel. For example, instead of “You are a very good student,“ “you did your homework alone, I am proud of you!”
4. We can tell our child the emotions he / she can feel so that you realize it. For example, instead of “Wonder as“ you can now zip yourself! ”Top When you pack up the table, maybe you feel like the big ones!”
5. Sometimes we can only express our satisfaction by smiling, sometimes just touching his shoulder and caressing his back….
The formula is not too complicated, look carefully, listen carefully, notice and say aloud what you see and feel…
As a result, we have reached the point we said at the beginning. Our aim should be to create a child's inner discipline and inner motivation. Not with feelings like “What do I gain if I do this behavior, or do I get a punishment in return for this behavior”, but with a natural internal discipline? to be an individual who can continue his life with a natural sense of conscience, express himself, know where his own rights and limits are, defend his rights when necessary, and respect the rights of others, because acting correctly will make him happy and peaceful.
Today's parents may be confused about the right child rearing and parental attitudes as they come from a childhood where both physical and verbal punishment is widely used both in the family and in school education as a generation in our society. On the one hand, they may feel that their childhood is caught up in the right child-raising books. I would suggest to parents who feel that way, without hesitation, to consult a specialist in order to conduct a more in-depth study on these issues. After all, each family is unique.
ELELE Child Young and Adult Counseling Center
(212) 223 91 07
Sources: Communication with Children, Adele Faber-Elaine Mazlish
Collaborating with Your Child, Elizabeth Pantley
Children: The Challenge by Rudolf Dreikurs